i can't think.

i can't think.

so you may have noticed that my last post,
i was extremely depressed.

there was good reason for that.

i can't say it here.
i just can't.
it's too horrible.

hunter and i almost broke up.
and then he was about to kill himself.

today, sam came up to me in the hall and said:
"I heard what happened with you and Hunter."

i almost threw up.
i just said what.

and he said
"that you two broke up."

and i thought that was it.
i thought hunter had broken up with me.
because if he'd told sam,
then it would be true.

hunter says differently.
i texted him,
and he said sam seriously misunderstood.


i don't have time to talk now.

i wanted to talk about halloween,
but i don't have time.

maybe after this weekend.
ugh.
i don't know.

fuck it.

heartbreak

heartbreak

emotions are difficult.
they are not always easily perceived.

I know what heartache feels like,
and I know heartbreak better than most.

I've been disappointed so many times I can't
even begin to count.

but it isn't always disappointment.

I've killed myself.
not physically, but emotionally.
I thought I had really known heartbreak.

but i didn't.
no one does.
Not until they lose everything.
Not until they lose their heart.

I've lost my heart.
I gave it away, all of it,
and now I can never have it back.

so what's to live for?
he is gone.

Hunter is gone.
Hunter, my world, my everything.

I did something bad, something unforgivable.
he says he forgives me.
he's a liar.
he can't possible love me after what i did.
I am not good enough.

I should be the one hurting, not him.
and I am hurting.
but the pain is not enough.
it is not enough pain.
not enough.

Will we ever recover?
I don't know.

I can't live.

I need too much.
I am filth.
I am waste.


I am a waste.

contact please

whoa hey

this might be a long post,
so bear with me here.

today was....
stupid.

ahah.
well.

someone told me something today.
something that i did not expect to hear.

christina knows about alex.

well, she doesn't know know.
hm.
how to put this...

ann, the girl that told me, told her.

oh, and by the way,
i'm talking about the fact that ALEX IS CHEATING ON CHRISTINA.

yeah.
so now that we're all caught up.

lauren and jessica told me today that christina knows.
christina said something to them,
something about her trying to find out who
"alex's supposed girlfriend at georgetown was"


ANOTHER EXPLANATION:::

we're all in ninth grade.
last year, towards the end of the year,
alex brought a butterfly knife to school.
he didn't hurt anyone, alex would never.
but, nonetheless, he still had it.
so he was suspended for a semester.

the first semester of high school.

so that's why he's at georgetown,
which is kind of like a school version of juvi.

he isn't in jail,
he's just in "temporary alternative schooling"

blah blah blah.

but christina knows he might be cheating on her,
and she seems totally fine.

I Am SO PROUD =D

so maybe she'll be okay after all,
if he really is cheating on her.


xXx


so today in english,
my language arts teacher gave me back my short story.
she said it was "phenomonal"
i'm so happy!!



you know, i love you kid.
you're reading this, and you're amazing.
i really just need someone to talk to.
i need a friend.

i'm white.

i'm white.

okay...
so i have a few dilemmas?

dilemma one.
i had one of THOSE dreams last night
about a guy in my math class.

yeah x.x

his name is Andrew, and he's a senior.
but he flirts with me all the time.
but i'm not sure if that's a compliment or not,
since he flirts with Amber too.

i guess i had the dream because he touched me.
he put his hand on my lower back...

i know it isnt a big deal,
but it was apparently enough to trigger my hormones.

ugh.
but he's kind of cute.

better than having a dream about an ugly dude?!
I am SO shallow.

i guess the dream isn't that big of a deal.
it's not like i'll be in ANY position like that any time soon.
no pun intended.

dilemma two.
halloween is friday.

i was invited to sam's party,
but if I go,
vittoria and omar will be there.

and everytime omar sees me,
he'll say something about hating hunter.

ugh. i hate their fued.
I really wish they were best friends.

and the only one who wants me there is sam,
so what's the fucking point?


AHHH>>>>>>>>>>

i hate sam.
no.
i love sam.
he's so cute,
with his little dimples.

SAM. WHY CAN'T YOU BE MY FRIEND?!

why don't i have more friends?

hahahah. i'm white.

!!!!!

!!!!!

today, i found out that alex is cheating on christina.

OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD!

i'm going to fucking shoot him!!!!!


how could he do this to her?!
she in NO WAY deserves thisssss!!!!
they've been together for... more than seven months.
WHY?!
he says he loves her.
i KNOW she loves him.
but what am i supposed to do?!!

I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
i can't sit back and watch her go on like everything is alright.
christina is one of my best friends.

what am i going to do?!

but who am i to ruin her life?

this could kill her.
literally.
alex means the world to her...

someone tell me what to do )':

what?

what?

what is wrong with me?

why didn't i think about anyone else's feelings?
why do i NEVER think about anyone else's feelings?!

did i ever think to consider how she was going to feel?
no.

no i did not.

i'm a fucking bitch.

but so is she.
i know what i did was wrong, but was my wrong worse than hers?