this.

this.

this is freaking ridiculous.
this?
life.

i'm sick of being stuckk.
i watch things, read things,
all about other people.

and i can't help but to think
about how i really dislike where i am right now.

my mindset is... horrible.

i keep thinking that things will eventually have to get better,
but i'm so unsure.

i'm really lucky to have ashley.
she helps me in ways i can't even begin to describe.

school is so drama-filled.
meh.

i always want things i can never have.
this is the problem.
this is life.

too skinny.

too skinny.

hot damn!
xD
i can't wait until i fill up my blog with non-hunter related posts.

i have shitty mood swings. grr.

i need to gain like... 543 pounds.

i want to get to 645, so that tommy'll like me xDDDDDD

kaycee and i have a bet,
whoever gets fat first, gets him.
<3
wish me luck!

wow, jordan. you're fucked up!

wow, jordan. you're fucked up!

shit,
i've been through a lot lately.

hunter has a new girlfriend,
which pisses me off.
it's only been a little over a month since we broke up.

he told me wouldn't want to be that way with anyone for a long time.
liar.

he's a liar.
that's all he's ever been.
he told me that he started our relationship on a lie.

that is, after i talked to him on aim.
yeah, huge.

i got physically sick, as in throwing up,
after that conversation.
i haven't been sick in a long long time.
i don't know why it happened.

he said that he'd told vittoria how intimate we'd been.
that pissed me off too.
he lied to me before,
saying he wouldn't tell anyone unless it was what we both wanted.

lauren's been going behind my back and telling him, vittoria,
amber, and god knows who else all this shit about me.

i'm REALLY pissed with her.

yesterday, at school (the day after i'd found out) she ignored me.

i asked amber in math why.

she said:

she doesn't like you, you don't like her.
so just forget it.

bull fucking shit.

lauren is so god damn full of herself.

there's no way in hell that i trust her,
but i don't hate her.
but it's going to get that way if she keeps this up.

i never did one fucking thing to her.

ever since she's been hanging out with vittoria and amber more,
she's changed.

for the worst, obviously.

she's not right, she's not lauren.
she's being stupid, and a gigantic bitch to me for no reason.

it isn't my fault i can't trust her.
she's the one that betrayed me.

i should be the one ignoring her.

god. what's wrong with everything?

i finally get hunter to talk to me, to stop ignoring me.
and then i come to the conclusion that i'd rather not talk to him.

not that he'll care.
he already made that very clear.

but i think i'm over him.

because i thought,
if i really really still loved hunter,
i'd want him to be happy.

but i don't.
i want him to rot and be miserable.
miserable, lonely, and hurt.
like me.

but that's just life,
nothing ever goes like you want it to.