new age

new age.

i haven't had the will or the time to update,
but here goes.

life is ridiculous.

life is the most difficult and
annoying
and wonderful
and terrible
and heartbreaking thing there is.

i've noticed a change in my state of mind.
fuck it, and that's just it.

i love my friends.
i couldn't be who i was today without them.

high school is filled with so many ridiculous and idiotic problems.
the next three years are going to be a living hell.

i still want things i cannot have.
try as i might, i cannot stop.

ashley, kaycee and i did shots a few weeks ago.
and it was a liberating feeling.

something i'd like to get used to, but won't.
can't.
won't do much good.

everything seems to be a substitute sometimes.
a substitute for the real things,
the real feelings.

and most of the time,
i suffer the numb, alone.

other times, not so much.
sometimes, i can actually appreciate life.

but feelings like that are short-lived.
everything always seems to sink back into clouded perspective.

call me stupid, naive, pathetic.
call me dismal and depressive.
but i don't care.
fuck it.
and that's all.

i don't want to be told what to do.
i don't want to be told what to wear.
i don't want to be lied to.
i don't want to live alone forever.

i want to be something more than myself.
something more than i am now, but i don't know if i can.

i have to trust myself somehow, but have yet to figure out how.
i want to become a writer.
i want to live in france.

i want to be able to look back at these years and laugh.

laugh at everyone.
everyone that hurt me.
everything that made me cry.

i want to laugh at the times when i was weak.
i want to admire and be proud of myself for being strong.

for being myself.