la vie n'est pas belle

alright

2009-12-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

so, this will probably be my last post. i'm tired of the over-emotional blog that i only post on when i get upset or something.

so uh...

http://www.withoutsorrow.blogspot.com/

i'll probably stray back once or twice. but these are my plans for the future.

2009-10-13T15:12:00.001-07:00

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

2009-09-02T14:12:00.001-07:00

I don't Fucking care about you, but I care about everything else. Just not you. Because you're not important. And Every other Fucking Thing is. I just thought I'd let you know that. I Want To Stop Fucking Thinking.

2009-08-31T19:23:00.001-07:00

One Day,
I'll Learn To Believe.
I Believe This
With Whatever I Can.
With Whatever Is Left Of
My Faith,
My Heart.

2009-08-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

i don't think anyone can really understand what another person is going through. and i don't think anyone can really save anyone, especially if they're already gone. not necessarily in body, but in mind. what happens when there's nothing that seems to be worth anything anymore?

2009-07-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAllCustom&friendId=135705006&swapped=true

2009-07-27T12:53:00.001-07:00

you have to understand that i'm a person, and i want to be loved.

2009-07-27T11:51:00.001-07:00

living.

2009-07-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

living is just one big joke,
because in the end, we're all going to die.

so are you supposed to enjoy life while you can?
why're are there so many unhappy things in life?
so many obstacles?

if our time in existance is so short, why does it have to be so difficult?
why can't we just have something solid to believe in, something to hold on to and pray for, if someone's listening.

i know that we can't all be equal, or on the same playing field.
it makes sense, in a grand-scheme kind of way?
what's the grand-scheme, and why aren't we allowed in on it?

2009-07-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

i'm falling to fucking pieces.

unraveling.

if i keep repeating the cycle i'm in,

i'm going to fucking kill myself.

i don't think i'm kidding this time.

i've got this unnerving feeling, and i just can't seem to shake it.

i just want things to be better, to be the way they were.

i want to be happy.

i want my heart to remain whole.

2009-07-27T07:55:00.001-07:00

after the initial shock wears off:

things get much, much worse.

2009-07-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

Ryan won't talk to me.
My mother won't leave me alone.

She keeps jumping down my throat about the fact that Ryan won't talk to me.
It's not my fault.

And there's nothing I can do.
If he doesn't want to talk to me then he's not going to talk to me.

He told me that the Retreat got him into the habit of not texting.
Bull.

I know that he changed over the Retreat.
I knew he would.
I knew he would.

I just want to know the point when he stopped caring.

give up.

2009-07-24T11:55:00.002-07:00

i'm beginning to wonder if i was ever really happy.
i cannot say i am now.
i thought things were getting better for me.
but i was so wrong.

i fucking hate everything.
i can't depend on anyone.
at all.
ever.

GIVE UP.

2009-07-24T11:55:00.001-07:00

i've been using a new blog.
mobile style.
thenameisjim.blogspot.com

"Some things I'll never know..."

2009-07-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how some people just... don't care about certain things. Things that you always thought meant so insanely much to them and stuff that meant just as much to you. You talk to them about it and they say they'll change and feed you fucking bullshit and lead you into something and then completely go against it. How do people just suddenly stop caring about something? I don't know about those people, but I can't just let something go. I guess sometimes that's a bad thing but especially strong feelings about something; I don't just let that shit go. I can't help but think about it. Even more so if it's a person they stop caring about. How does that happen? It's not like you can erase them from the face of the Earth; They're always going to exist somehow in your life. How can you just block that shit out? It's beyond me. Either you have to be insanely emotionally numb or just hide your emotions really really really well. Either way, how do you block out how that other person feels? People were meant to exist with one another, so how do you just block them out? You can't just live off yourself you have to communicate to... live.I guess I just feel like I'm wasting my time with some people who don't even seem to care about me. I mean, I'm not an outgoing person and I don't usually make plans with other people; I'm extremely introverted but I care about certain people a lot and I'm really tired of giving for nothing.

2009-07-02T18:08:00.001-07:00

we all want things we can't have.
especially me.

2009-07-01T12:51:00.001-07:00

i can't believe it.

2009-07-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it.

i'm in love with ryan.
i'm a constant twitter-er.
i made my own blog layout.
i got my hair cut really short.
i have things to look forward to.
i've found new art, and new music.
things, are good.

i want more

2009-06-30T18:09:00.001-07:00

i want more

i want more.

undecided

2009-06-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

undecided

so, this is supposed to be the story of my life, right?
well, the truth is, it can't be.
it's stories of occurences in my life, but not my life...

because, the truth is, i'm lazy.
i haven't written in months.
because i'm lazy.

and forgetful, of course.
i want to keep this blog.
for times like these, when i need something to look back on.

it's kind of a comforting thing.
but i'm not sure.
i use facebook, which i can be consistent with and update.
but why can't i use blogger...?

ugh.
i want to tell you everything.
i'm going to work my way back to it.

starting with ryan.
i think i may love him now.
i think so.
i think so.

i think i'm happy.
i think so.
i think so.

so i guess i'll keep this.
i think so.
i think so.

i think i love him.
i think so.

2009-05-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

iamunsure.tumblr.com

typed on word D<

2009-03-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

typed on word D<

Redundant.

That’s a funny word (:

I think it’s pretty cool? Idk.
I
Am bored.
I did.
I did this.
I did this to –
NO.

Hello (:

QQQQQQQQQQQQ.
No.

So guess what (:
I deleted all of the Hunter stuff on my phone.
All of the messages and pictures =D

I'm in english.
beep beep.
i was going to write a tons of stuff,
but i don't has tiemz ):
and it isn't exactly private here...

but one of the members of Raining and OK talked to me on myspace!
it was soooo amazing (::::::
haha. made me suuuper happy.
and we just finished my room!
so now it's super sweet 8)

haha. idk.

can't talk teacher coming over... EEEPPPP.

c-o-r-o-cops

2009-03-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

c-o-r-o-cops

I have nothing. I feel so down.
I want to have something to believe in, someone to count on.
I have no one. I feel so down.

Ryan hasn't texted me back. He went to dinner at six thirty (when he never texted me back), and it's 9:15 now. ugh ):

What am I waiting for?
He doesn't owe me anything.
He cares more about World of Warcraft than he does me.

That's not a surprise really.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone sees the same things I see.
I feel like they're all colorblind, and I'm the only one that can see.

But I don't know what I see.

Shane asked me if I hated my life today.
I told him yeah, sometimes.

I wasn't even lying.

I feel like I'm digging a hole for myself. Every time I see Tommy or Davis, I dig myself a little deeper. Every time I see a photograph of Hunter, I bury myself five thousand feet deeper. It hurts to write his name. I thought I was doing so much better,
I even threw his stuff away.

Every time I think I'm better, something just drags me right back down.

AND
I like Ryan. A lot. More than I should. I want to tell him, but how can I?
I can't talk to anyone.
Not Ashley. I can talk to her about anything else, but not this. I don't know why.
Not Jessica. She's too naive. I can't.
Christina and I have been so distant lately...
and there's no one else.

I thought I had a good life.
And last year, I did.

I built the best life for myself that I could at the time.
But I wasn't expecting it to be torn apart, leaving me with only shreds and distant memories.

2009-03-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

how are you feeling today?

numb.

i can't do it.

2009-03-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

i can't do it.

i still love him.

breathe for us

2009-02-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

breathe for us

there are things in life that "move you" ;

things that inspire;

things that make complete sense, but no sense at all;

things we think repulsive ;

things we think extraordinary and strangely beautiful;

things we desire;

and things we may never come to peace with;

looking up

2009-02-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

looking up

wah.
ima baby xD

i said something cool today:
MOTHER FUDGESICLES.

i like screamed it in class XDD

gosh.
i've been so silly lately.

samantha and i have become friends (:
plus one for jordan.

and Ryan and I started talking again.
we talk a lot now, and he makes me very happy.

i'm seeing kyle this weekend, and i'm kind of nervous about that.
yeah :\

jessica and wade are going to soon be together (::;::::;:::;;;;
i get rides from wade a lot now.
it's so fun xD

i made a facebook, and that's been fun.
bleeehhhh.

i miss being really truly happy.
but i think i'm on my way.

this lullaby

2009-02-22T14:50:00.001-08:00

this lullaby

You can't just give yourself away, but holding people away from you, and denying yourself love doesn't make you strong. If anything, it makes you weaker. Because you're doing it out of fear. Fear of taking that chance. Of letting go and giving in to it, and that's what makes us what we are. Risks. That's living. Being too scared to even try it -- that's just a waste.

At least i'm not spending my life standing on the outside, wondering what living would be like.

LOLFUCKZ.

2009-02-13T14:13:00.000-08:00

LOLFUCKZ.

LET'S DANCE.

new age

2009-02-03T13:29:00.000-08:00

new age.

i haven't had the will or the time to update,
but here goes.

life is ridiculous.

life is the most difficult and
annoying
and wonderful
and terrible
and heartbreaking thing there is.

i've noticed a change in my state of mind.
fuck it, and that's just it.

i love my friends.
i couldn't be who i was today without them.

high school is filled with so many ridiculous and idiotic problems.
the next three years are going to be a living hell.

i still want things i cannot have.
try as i might, i cannot stop.

ashley, kaycee and i did shots a few weeks ago.
and it was a liberating feeling.

something i'd like to get used to, but won't.
can't.
won't do much good.

everything seems to be a substitute sometimes.
a substitute for the real things,
the real feelings.

and most of the time,
i suffer the numb, alone.

other times, not so much.
sometimes, i can actually appreciate life.

but feelings like that are short-lived.
everything always seems to sink back into clouded perspective.

call me stupid, naive, pathetic.
call me dismal and depressive.
but i don't care.
fuck it.
and that's all.

i don't want to be told what to do.
i don't want to be told what to wear.
i don't want to be lied to.
i don't want to live alone forever.

i want to be something more than myself.
something more than i am now, but i don't know if i can.

i have to trust myself somehow, but have yet to figure out how.
i want to become a writer.
i want to live in france.

i want to be able to look back at these years and laugh.

laugh at everyone.
everyone that hurt me.
everything that made me cry.

i want to laugh at the times when i was weak.
i want to admire and be proud of myself for being strong.

for being myself.

this.

2009-01-26T12:40:00.000-08:00

this.

this is freaking ridiculous.
this?
life.

i'm sick of being stuckk.
i watch things, read things,
all about other people.

and i can't help but to think
about how i really dislike where i am right now.

my mindset is... horrible.

i keep thinking that things will eventually have to get better,
but i'm so unsure.

i'm really lucky to have ashley.
she helps me in ways i can't even begin to describe.

school is so drama-filled.
meh.

i always want things i can never have.
this is the problem.
this is life.

too skinny.

2009-01-08T13:27:00.001-08:00

too skinny.

hot damn!
xD
i can't wait until i fill up my blog with non-hunter related posts.

i have shitty mood swings. grr.

i need to gain like... 543 pounds.

i want to get to 645, so that tommy'll like me xDDDDDD

kaycee and i have a bet,
whoever gets fat first, gets him.
<3
wish me luck!

wow, jordan. you're fucked up!

2009-01-07T13:11:00.001-08:00

wow, jordan. you're fucked up!

shit,
i've been through a lot lately.

hunter has a new girlfriend,
which pisses me off.
it's only been a little over a month since we broke up.

he told me wouldn't want to be that way with anyone for a long time.
liar.

he's a liar.
that's all he's ever been.
he told me that he started our relationship on a lie.

that is, after i talked to him on aim.
yeah, huge.

i got physically sick, as in throwing up,
after that conversation.
i haven't been sick in a long long time.
i don't know why it happened.

he said that he'd told vittoria how intimate we'd been.
that pissed me off too.
he lied to me before,
saying he wouldn't tell anyone unless it was what we both wanted.

lauren's been going behind my back and telling him, vittoria,
amber, and god knows who else all this shit about me.

i'm REALLY pissed with her.

yesterday, at school (the day after i'd found out) she ignored me.

i asked amber in math why.

she said:

she doesn't like you, you don't like her.
so just forget it.

bull fucking shit.

lauren is so god damn full of herself.

there's no way in hell that i trust her,
but i don't hate her.
but it's going to get that way if she keeps this up.

i never did one fucking thing to her.

ever since she's been hanging out with vittoria and amber more,
she's changed.

for the worst, obviously.

she's not right, she's not lauren.
she's being stupid, and a gigantic bitch to me for no reason.

it isn't my fault i can't trust her.
she's the one that betrayed me.

i should be the one ignoring her.

god. what's wrong with everything?

i finally get hunter to talk to me, to stop ignoring me.
and then i come to the conclusion that i'd rather not talk to him.

not that he'll care.
he already made that very clear.

but i think i'm over him.

because i thought,
if i really really still loved hunter,
i'd want him to be happy.

but i don't.
i want him to rot and be miserable.
miserable, lonely, and hurt.
like me.

but that's just life,
nothing ever goes like you want it to.

lead injection<3

2008-12-24T14:49:00.000-08:00

lead injection <3

a lot has been circulating.
around me, in my head.

i feel like i'm stuck in this one rotation,
this unending pattern.

it's hard for me to explain things,
because it's hard to explain things that you yourself do not understand.

i've been writing a lot more lately.
it's become more of a task that i have to do.

self expression comes easier now,
because of emotion.

but how is one person supposed to handle the emotions of two?
especially those so strong.

i'm not making sense.
not to you, atleast.

mm.
i want to find one person.
one person who will listen.

dream on, i guess.

(this is from gaia)
except the title...
-blushes-

nightturntable.

2008-12-23T06:40:00.000-08:00

nightturntable.

I WAS A N00B!

larlarlar.
i was reading like... some of my very first posts.
i'm still stupid.

but anyways.
i started talking to kyle again yesterday.
i haven't talked to him in foreverr.
arrgle shmarrgle shmudding&shmie.

i put this link up on a
"pretty public" profile.

i can't put it up on gaia because my name's different. Yahh.

fuckkkk. i don't know. december's been a really shitty month.
it's not getting much better.

RUINED MY WHOLE DAMN CHRISTMAS.

i had a dream i talked to hunter last night.
mhm.

he like... randomly i.m.ed me.
and we started talking about politics and shit about France.

i've been dreaming about him the past several nights.
>.<

The pain is deep and wide.
Cannot esape from the lives we have made.
Where are we now?
I'm starting to forget just what it was you said exactly.
The love is gone,
only to spawn
Disastrous memories.

I'm starting to forget.
I'm trying to hold on.

i realllyyy like how they sing it though.
i find a lot of drop dead's music pretty.

idk.
i might edit this, adding more later.

kbai.

omnomnomnom.

2008-12-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

omnomnomnom.

i really don't like you.
i really don't like anything.
my moodswings are uncontrollable and unpredictable.

i hate this.
ever since...

i don't know when.

i won't know until...

ugh.
i hate life.
i hate school...

i love gaia.
it's amazing.

i want to go on right now but the school's filter blocks it.
stupid stupid.

but it's a distraction.
it makes me happy.

WTFBBQ?!
see. now i'm happy.

WHAT's WRONG WITH THE FAREEKING WURLD

i like my myspace. for once.

arrhhghg. omnomnomnom.

the end.

2008-12-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

the end.

Love is...
something.

it buds, grows, blooms, swells, explodes brilliantly,
and then ends bitterly.

Well, at least, that's how it was for me.

You give yourself completely to someone,
your heart, your soul.
And you're happy.

But things change.

The thread between lovers thins,
and then snaps.

The rug is ripped out from under your unexpecting feet.

On December second, Hunter broke up with me.
After five days of nothing;
no contact at all.

It's tearing me apart.
I'm suffering more than I can explain,
and more than I can let anyone see.

Today is my fifteenth birthday.
And so far, it's been the worst day of my life.

spidermonkeysarrgayyy

2008-11-22T09:39:00.001-08:00

spidermonkeysarrgayyy

so i'm going to see twilight with my cousin today.

>.<

he says spider monkey )':

shit.

2008-11-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

shit.

AHHH skina: I'm seriously ditching everyone.
AHHH skina: I don't even care.
AHHH skina: I don't like anyone at all basically.
AHHH skina: It's not the people
AHHH skina: it's just I'm not a people person on any level.
starshipstop: ):
starshipstop: hunter...
AHHH skina: what?
starshipstop: i love you
AHHH skina: love you too

that makes me feel terrific.

sound::

2008-11-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

sound;;

i decided to do something constructive,
so i made a playlist.

it's on the sidebar, as you can probably see.

just some random songs i thought of

there are 14
you probably can't see them all,
and unfortunately, there isnt a scroll
so you just have to click the last song on the screen
to go down.

check it out

(:

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

2008-11-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

I'M IN SUCH A SHITTY MOOD.

I'm so fucking sick of everything.
hunter won't talk to me,
ever since he left the hospital on... tuesday? or something.
and when he does, he gets really angry and just yells at me.

charlotte
keeps biting and chewing on everything, including me.
and peeing everywhere.
i'm so sick of chasing her around.

school
is so damn boring, i swear. it's like hell.

IT'S SO FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE.
and charlotte has to be taken out every fifteen minutes.
and every day after school i have to wait outside for twenty minutes.

i swear. i just hate everything.

i'm in one of those

GOD
DAMMIT
I
WISH
I'D
JUST
EXPLODE!

moods.

yeah.
whatever.

biology

2008-11-20T06:17:00.000-08:00

biology

i'm in biology, and i just finished mai test.

my teacher let the whole class retake the test with notes.

and i got a ninety-six this time :D

i think i may want to post later, because this one's so short.
about to leave for second block.

geez i hate school.

k.bai.

humphhh.

2008-11-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

humphhh.

it's been so long since i've written.

hunter never came over.
after his dentist appointment he texted me:

in the parking lot, my mother said that she's tired of me having my own political and religious views and that it's unnatural for people my age to not have the same views as their parents and that i'm nothing to her and she said i can't go to your house and that she's going to beat me as hard as she can when we get home, and if i choose not to take it, she'll shave my head.

i hate his mother.

but things are better with us now, after else everything happened.

KK. no more sad talk.

today i had a test in bio D:<

i got one freaking point away from a B.

but afterwards, i decided i'd randomly pull up my blog,
and the school's filter allowed it ^.^

Christina saw it, and so she said she was going to make one.

so yeah.
coolzies.
...wtf?
idk (:
i'm being random.

wtvr.
i'm cold.
my hands are warm for some reason.
i want to go do gay stuff on gaia.

aurevoir.

((oh and by the way, Alex isn't cheating on Christina.))

meep

2008-11-03T12:59:00.000-08:00

meep

today is monday,
and tomorrow is tuesday.

aka: election day

we're off from school tomorrow.

hunter will be coming over.

this is our chance to talk about things,
about our situation.

things are really not good between us right now.
and i'm hoping tomorrow will help.

i couldn't live if i lost him.

i love him so much...

i'm tired.
i had a really full halloween weekend.
and i need to eat.

i'm sorry this post is short.
i'll write when i can.

i can't think.

2008-10-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

i can't think.

so you may have noticed that my last post,
i was extremely depressed.

there was good reason for that.

i can't say it here.
i just can't.
it's too horrible.

hunter and i almost broke up.
and then he was about to kill himself.

today, sam came up to me in the hall and said:
"I heard what happened with you and Hunter."

i almost threw up.
i just said what.

and he said
"that you two broke up."

and i thought that was it.
i thought hunter had broken up with me.
because if he'd told sam,
then it would be true.

hunter says differently.
i texted him,
and he said sam seriously misunderstood.

i don't have time to talk now.

i wanted to talk about halloween,
but i don't have time.

maybe after this weekend.
ugh.
i don't know.

fuck it.

heartbreak

2008-10-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

heartbreak

emotions are difficult.
they are not always easily perceived.

I know what heartache feels like,
and I know heartbreak better than most.

I've been disappointed so many times I can't
even begin to count.

but it isn't always disappointment.

I've killed myself.
not physically, but emotionally.
I thought I had really known heartbreak.

but i didn't.
no one does.
Not until they lose everything.
Not until they lose their heart.

I've lost my heart.
I gave it away, all of it,
and now I can never have it back.

so what's to live for?
he is gone.

Hunter is gone.
Hunter, my world, my everything.

I did something bad, something unforgivable.
he says he forgives me.
he's a liar.
he can't possible love me after what i did.
I am not good enough.

I should be the one hurting, not him.
and I am hurting.
but the pain is not enough.
it is not enough pain.
not enough.

Will we ever recover?
I don't know.

I can't live.

I need too much.
I am filth.
I am waste.

I am a waste.

contact please

2008-10-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

whoa hey

this might be a long post,
so bear with me here.

today was....
stupid.

ahah.
well.

someone told me something today.
something that i did not expect to hear.

christina knows about alex.

well, she doesn't know know.
hm.
how to put this...

ann, the girl that told me, told her.

oh, and by the way,
i'm talking about the fact that ALEX IS CHEATING ON CHRISTINA.

yeah.
so now that we're all caught up.

lauren and jessica told me today that christina knows.
christina said something to them,
something about her trying to find out who
"alex's supposed girlfriend at georgetown was"

ANOTHER EXPLANATION:::

we're all in ninth grade.
last year, towards the end of the year,
alex brought a butterfly knife to school.
he didn't hurt anyone, alex would never.
but, nonetheless, he still had it.
so he was suspended for a semester.

the first semester of high school.

so that's why he's at georgetown,
which is kind of like a school version of juvi.

he isn't in jail,
he's just in "temporary alternative schooling"

blah blah blah.

but christina knows he might be cheating on her,
and she seems totally fine.

I Am SO PROUD =D

so maybe she'll be okay after all,
if he really is cheating on her.

xXx

so today in english,
my language arts teacher gave me back my short story.
she said it was "phenomonal"
i'm so happy!!

you know, i love you kid.
you're reading this, and you're amazing.
i really just need someone to talk to.
i need a friend.

i'm white.

2008-10-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

i'm white.

okay...
so i have a few dilemmas?

dilemma one.
i had one of THOSE dreams last night
about a guy in my math class.

yeah x.x

his name is Andrew, and he's a senior.
but he flirts with me all the time.
but i'm not sure if that's a compliment or not,
since he flirts with Amber too.

i guess i had the dream because he touched me.
he put his hand on my lower back...

i know it isnt a big deal,
but it was apparently enough to trigger my hormones.

ugh.
but he's kind of cute.

better than having a dream about an ugly dude?!
I am SO shallow.

i guess the dream isn't that big of a deal.
it's not like i'll be in ANY position like that any time soon.
no pun intended.

dilemma two.
halloween is friday.

i was invited to sam's party,
but if I go,
vittoria and omar will be there.

and everytime omar sees me,
he'll say something about hating hunter.

ugh. i hate their fued.
I really wish they were best friends.

and the only one who wants me there is sam,
so what's the fucking point?

AHHH>>>>>>>>>>

i hate sam.
no.
i love sam.
he's so cute,
with his little dimples.

SAM. WHY CAN'T YOU BE MY FRIEND?!

why don't i have more friends?

hahahah. i'm white.

!!!!!

2008-10-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

!!!!!

today, i found out that alex is cheating on christina.

OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD!

i'm going to fucking shoot him!!!!!

how could he do this to her?!
she in NO WAY deserves thisssss!!!!
they've been together for... more than seven months.
WHY?!
he says he loves her.
i KNOW she loves him.
but what am i supposed to do?!!

I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
i can't sit back and watch her go on like everything is alright.
christina is one of my best friends.

what am i going to do?!

but who am i to ruin her life?

this could kill her.
literally.
alex means the world to her...

someone tell me what to do )':

what?

2008-10-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

what?

what is wrong with me?

why didn't i think about anyone else's feelings?
why do i NEVER think about anyone else's feelings?!

did i ever think to consider how she was going to feel?
no.

no i did not.

i'm a fucking bitch.

but so is she.
i know what i did was wrong, but was my wrong worse than hers?

i'm past the point of consolment

2008-09-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

i'm past the point of consolment

i haven't written in a while.

i've had a lot of shit going on.
school.
puppy.
yeah, i just got a puppy.
other crap.
and most of the time i'm just lazy.

life really sucks right now.
i've been crying myself to sleep for the past six nights.

today on the bus i was contemplating suicide.
whatever.
life just doesnt seem so important anymore.

high school is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
hunter was transferred to hanover.

you have no idea how horrible it is.

i want to do myspace stuff.
so i'm going to go.
whatever.

fuck life

2008-08-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

fuck life.

ugh.
my schedule.

fuck fuck fuck!!!

i hate stupid high school.
this year is going to suck ASS.

i'm so pissed.

MM.

i don't really feel like talking.

but i thought i should.

so the twins and hunter came down to the river this weekend.

that was fun.

yeah.

i got to ride on the jetski with timothy.
i liked that.

yeah.

cody and jessica are together.
sigh.
i just wonder how long it will last.

i got really bored yesterday, so i made this:

me and hunter (:

then this morning i made this for jessica and cody:

hunter saw it.

and he said it was weird.

so i made this:

i showed hunter, and this is what he said:

starshipstop: i did it in about twenty seconds.
starshipstop: so there.
AHHH skina: ...
AHHH skina: wtf
starshipstop: yeah.
AHHH skina: why'd you do that?
AHHH skina: haha
AHHH skina: EW
AHHH skina: ARE YOU SAYING I'M LIKE CODY?!
starshipstop: does that look better than her with cody?
AHHH skina: 0.o
AHHH skina: wtf
AHHH skina: why are you asking me this?
AHHH skina: all you changed was the hair.
AHHH skina: she'd look better with a brown-haired guy
AHHH skina: but not me.
starshipstop: suuuuuure

hah. idk.

yeah.

i like making those things.

they're fun.

wtvr.

i don't want to type anymore.

i have to help jessica pick out furniture.

okay.

later :P

lol. owned.

2008-08-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

lol. owned.

well.
i told you i'd try to get it up as soon as possible.
and i did (:

i asked hunter if he still had it saved on his computer.
he did.

how convenient!

okay.
anyways...

starshipstop (9:12:33 PM): god
race4chicks (9:12:34 PM): jordan you there
starshipstop (9:12:38 PM): how much are you eating?
starshipstop (9:12:42 PM): oh
starshipstop (9:12:43 PM): sorry.
starshipstop (9:12:49 PM): the computer
starshipstop (9:12:51 PM): crashed
race4chicks (9:13:02 PM): o
starshipstop (9:13:04 PM): yeah.
starshipstop (9:13:07 PM): all better.
race4chicks (9:13:11 PM): ok
starshipstop (9:13:13 PM): gave it a bandaid
race4chicks (9:13:23 PM): lol ok
starshipstop (9:13:30 PM): so what're you doing
starshipstop (9:13:52 PM): still watching a movie
starshipstop (9:13:54 PM): ?
race4chicks (9:14:40 PM): nothing timmy took over the tv so not watching tv any more cause wht he is watching is gay
starshipstop (9:14:51 PM): okay.
race4chicks (9:14:57 PM): yeah
race4chicks (9:15:23 PM): is jessica still in trouble from yesterday
starshipstop (9:15:29 PM): idk
starshipstop (9:15:39 PM): why dont you fucking ask her yourself?
race4chicks (9:15:40 PM): lauren said she was in trouble
starshipstop (9:16:03 PM): yeah.
starshipstop (9:16:04 PM): she was
race4chicks (9:16:28 PM): is she still a**hole
starshipstop (9:16:38 PM): fuck you.
race4chicks (9:16:46 PM): jk
starshipstop (9:16:52 PM): i dont care
starshipstop (9:16:57 PM): i REALLY
starshipstop (9:17:00 PM): dont give a shit
starshipstop (9:17:06 PM): call her if you want to talk to her.
starshipstop (9:17:11 PM): stop bothering me
starshipstop (9:17:13 PM): i dont care.
starshipstop (9:17:15 PM): god.
starshipstop (9:17:28 PM): lauren too
race4chicks (9:17:34 PM): sorry geez every one a dick today
starshipstop (9:17:37 PM): that's the only reason you talk to me anyways
starshipstop (9:17:38 PM): NO
starshipstop (9:17:42 PM): i am not the dick here.
starshipstop (9:17:44 PM): you are
race4chicks (9:17:51 PM): no im not
starshipstop (9:18:02 PM): whatever cody
starshipstop (9:18:06 PM): you think you're so innocent
starshipstop (9:18:18 PM): you're such a douche all the time
race4chicks (9:18:21 PM): whtever
starshipstop (9:18:24 PM): and you're insanely spoile
starshipstop (9:18:27 PM): spoiled
race4chicks went mobile at 9:18:29 PM.

what a pussy.
hears something he doesn't like so he goes mobile.

you may think that that was just plain rude and came out of nowhere...
well.
it was rude.
and i'm okay with that.

i'm sick of him bugging me about jessica and treating me like shit.
it's not fair.
so i'm going to treat him the way he treats me.

i know i'm a bitch.
i'll admit it.
and frankly, i don't care.

treat me like shit and that's the exact same thing you'll get back.
i won't put up with it.
i can't STAND people like cody.
they think they can do whatever the hell they want and just be treated so well.

well, newsflash.
he can't.

i wish i had saved it, but i didn't.
dammit >.<>

just a quick informative

2008-08-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

just a quick informative

my jeesh.
it's been almost a month since i've written >.< sorreh.

not that much happened.
i guess that's why i haven't.

the only semi big things were:

"morgan came down to the river one weekend.

"i got in an enormous fight with cody,
which i'll try and get on here as soon as possible.
i was so proud of myself.
it happened at the twins house, so i saved it there.

"i found out hunter and i wont be going to the same school next year.
high school is going to suck ass without him )':

"i met sam! sort of.

"lauren and jessica came back from their month long vacation.

"hunter sold his house and "the farm" is being finished up.
i saw it for the first time in july :D

"ate at mcDonald's (YEW) with hunter. alone (:

"i found out hunter has synthesia.
look it up if you don't know what it is.

yeah.
i think that's it.
lauren and jessica are coming over.

so...
i have to go.
until i write gain...

Peace!

myrtle

2008-07-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

myrtle

most people i know have been to myrtle beach before.
i haven't.
so this was my first time.

i stayed in a room with Theresa-Ann and Morgan.
Morgan and I became pretty good friends.

Theresa-Ann and I were really different.
REALLY different.

but she was nice.

Rebbecca, Morgan's sister (or half sister) is horrible.
we all pretty much hate her XD

Molly (Morgan's mom) married Frank.
and Rebbecca is their daughter.
Frank is Morgan's stepdad.

she doesn't like him too much.
he's so mean to her.
she does everything around the house for him.
and if he doesn't think it's good enough, he makes her do it again until he thinks it is.

I'm not going to go into too much detail.
you'd get so so bored.
it was better to be there.
:P

I went swimming the day I got there.
I went with Theresa-Ann because Morgan wasn't there yet.

I got the top bunk, and Theresa-Ann got the bottom.
poor Morgan got the floor.
but we had this cushion thing.
it was sort of like a cot.

we swam the next day too.
in the ocean of course.
there was no pool.
i can't even remember what we did after that.

i can't remember what we did Friday either.
but at night Morgan, Jacob, Rebbecca and I went for a walk on the beach.
the fireworks were right above our heads!
they were huge... and loud.

Saturday. idk. can't memburr.
we saw Wall-E Saturday night though.
Sunday, Theresa-Ann and her parents left.

and Monday everyone else did.
except for my cousin, my grandparents, Morgan, and myself.
i'm glad Morgan decided to stay with us.
i would've been so bored.

it stormed all day Monday, so we stayed indoors.

we went putt putting on Tuesday.
blahh.

uhm.

yeah.
it was super fun.
we drove back on wednesday.

so it's been more than a week since i've seen Hunter.
it's been so hard.

i practically cried myself to sleep last night.

it sucks.
and i don't know when i'll be able to see him again.

mmmmmmmm.

hh.
well.

i don't know what else to write.
i don't even feel like it anymore.
i've just been so...sad?

mm ):
hunter.

until....later....

blah.

2008-07-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

blah.

WOW.

i haven't written in forever.
sorry >.<
anyways, lets start with christina's. that was fun. i got to play with her baby kitty vincent!!!!
he's so freaking cute! ^.^
we watched red dragon and the silence of the lambs.
they really aren't that scary.
we didn't have enough time to watch hannibal and hannibal rising.
we sort of watched them out of order.
stupid us.

lauren and jessica came over Friday.
lawl.
that was kind of cool.

hunter came over for a bit Friday too.
but he had to leave early because my parents were coming home early.
sad face.
and the idiot walked all the way from my house to target.
then from there to best buy.
then to the kohls-ish area.

and that's like...far.
and he's really fast.

meep.

anyways, lauren and jessica went to the river with me that night.
we rented all of the hannibal movies too.
lawl.

when we got to the river, we went for a ride on cody's boat.
cody is the guy who likes jessica.
he's a year younger than we are.

mhm.

we watched him wakeboard.
he's really good.

then after that we walked around a while and went to see cody and timmy.
timmy is the one who likes lauren.
he's two years older than we are.

i felt so retarded the whole weekend.

we watched some of red dragon that night,
and the rest Saturday morning.
it scared the crap out of lauren and jessica XD

then we went on the boat with cody and timmy.
because lauren and jessica wanted to learn how to wakeboard.

jessica went first.
she got up the first time!
which made timothy feel really shitty, because he couldn't even get up on the board.

poor timmy.

but she's pretty good for a novice.
yeah.

lauren went next.
she got up the first time too.
poor, poor timmy.

but lauren had trouble staying up.
she blamed it on the fact that it was too hard to ride in the wake.
blah blah blah.
excuses excuses.

so we decided to go get cody's nephew, hunter, so that lauren could take a break.
and cody wanted to wakeboard back to the campground.

and on the way back, cody went to jump.
he jumps all the time.
but this time, he was still leaning when he hit the water.
he hit hard.

it was really bad.
he was screaming in the water.
timothy had to jump in and carry him out.

keith, cody's dad, was really calm.
which was good.
better to be calm than spazzing out.

turns out cody hyper-extended BOTH of his ankles.
one worse than the other.

we went in for a while.
cody couldn't walk.
we went back to his trailer and tried watching hannibal.
but we got bored so we just watched red dragon.

turns out lauren and jessica weren't so scared the second time.

cody tried to wakeboard again later.
that wasn't a good idea.
he did fine.
but he caught an edge going straight.
don't ask me what that means, because i don't know.
it was something he obviously do often though.

he fell, and we pulled him in.
he wasn't crying or screaming, but you could tell he was in pain.
he couldn't walk anymore.

so that kind of screwed up the rest of the weekend for him.

after that we ate dinner.
this weekend was the fish fry.
meaning its like a big cookout,
but they fry fish all day.
and everyone brings a covered dish.

that was yummy.

anyways.

Sunday, Cody went to the hospital really early because he woke up with swolen ankles.
yowch.
so we were getting ready to go on OUR boat when he got back.
he sprained them.

whatever.

i really don't care.
Cody's a dumbass and a jerk.
he doesn't give a shit about me.
the only reason he talks to me is because of the twins.
manipulative little jerk.

sorry.
i don't want to get into that.

we went on our boat for a while.
but it broke down!
the battery or something died or whatever.

but my dad and Timothy's dad got it running again.

we swam for a while after that.
that was fun.
then we had to leave.

sad face.

BUT

the really cool part was before we left,
when my granny invited me to go to myrtle beach with her.

yeah it sounds dumb.
but two other girls would be there.
my second cousins.

and we would be staying in a
two and a half million dollar house!!!

it's a really really pretty house.
my granny had pictures.

so her sister, Madeline (who owns the house) was going to be there with her husband.

Other People who will be there...
Madeline's husband, Joe.
Madeline's daughter Mary-Theresa, her husband Fred and daughter Theresa-Ann.
Madeline's son Frank, his wife Molly, and his two daughters Morgan and Rebecca.
Me, my uncle Donald, my granny, my grandad, and my cousin Jacob.

the house is pretty big.

i can't wait.

well. i'm leaving on the second (wednesday).
so i'll write after that.

la

2008-06-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

la

yesterday was okay.
blah.

anyways.

today i went with my grandmother to a fabric store called JoAnn's.
i got hello kitty fabric ^.^
i'm going to make a blanket.

after that we went to IHOP. blegh.
i didnt like it too much.

so i went home after that.
lalala.

i get to see hunter later (: (: (:
i haven't gotten to talk to him that much because his mother took his phone.
for no reason at all.
bitchh.

but that makes me super happy.
i'm going to christina's house.
that makes me happy too, because i get to see her.
god i haven't seen her in forever.

she's another one of my close friends.
lalala.

i dont know why i keep doing that.
lalala?

oh well. i'm in a good mood.
and that's good.
better than feeling like shit!

i'll be there until eleven ish.

nothing super exciting is happening in my life right now.
so maybe something will tonight.

okay.
i'll tell you all about it tomorrow.
gonna go talk to lauren on aim.
and christina should be picking me up shortly.

oh.
and by the way...
URMOM.

lawl.

the twins

2008-06-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

the twins

so i have some pretty cool friends.

well.
of course.
i have more than just these two people.
but anyways.
lauren and jessica are twins.
and i've known them for ten years.

i can trust jessica with pretty much anything.
lauren i can't tell some of the things i tell jessica.
oh well.

but i'm going to their house tomorrow.
yeah.
exciting.
i will definitely not tell lauren about this whole blog thing.
i don't know about jessica yet xP

they're coming to the river with me this weekend.
the river is a campground that my family has a camper at.
woo.
yeah.

one of the guys down there, timothy, likes lauren.
he's sixteen. but you wouldn't think that.
it's not that he's like... super immature.
well, he sort of is a little...
but he just doesn't look sixteen.

people say lauren and jessica and i look like triplets.
we've told people that before.
but i'm taller than them.
yeah.
that's definitely noticable.
by like, a lot.

lauren just tries to do whatever jessica and i do.
it kind of bugs us... like, whenever we change, she changes.
whatever...

i'm so tired.
i was going to say a lot of stuff about the twins.
because they're sort of in my life a lot.
but i guess i'll just explain along the way.

goodnight...

hunter...

2008-06-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

hunter...

my best friend is amazing.

why is it that mostly everyone who is incredibly gifted,
and talented beyond comprehension has a sucky home life?
i don't get it.
why can't things just be fine with the world?
why is something always screwing up life?

he's hunter.
he's amazing.
i love him...

his mom hates him.
he hates his mom.
she's beat him before...
she yells at him and treats him like shit.
i hate it.
i will never treat my child the way she treats him.

gosh.
mm.

he's really smart.
he is pretty much into anything,
music wise anyways.
he's completely turned my life around.

today he texted me.
he texts me every day (:
but he told me his mom had just beat him really badly.
i nearly started to cry, but i was in the car with my mom,
and i didn't want her to ask.
ugh.
so he said he was going to run away.
i know that he can't keep getting hurt.
he doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly.
but i don't want him to run away.

rob lives with them.
hunter calls him his stepdad, but his mom and rob aren't married.
but he cares about hunter.

he said that his mom might be kicking out rob too.
i begged for hunter to talk to rob, and he said he would.
i'm hoping he'll leave with rob if that's what has to happen.

i just wish i could understand why she treats her son so badly.
her own son...

i don't know what to do.
i want to help.
but what am i supposed to do?

mm...

i hate my life

2008-06-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

i hate my life

i'm so confusing.

i don't know what to do with myself.

i have this amazing guy.
his name is hunter.
and i love him.

i'm just an ordinary girl i guess.
i have blond hair.
and blue eyes.

people say i'm pretty.
but i dont think so.
i guess it's just a matter of opinion.
whatever.
you're not supposed to think you're pretty.
unless you're a huge star with a huge ego.
ugh.

i hate people.
people are jerks.
blagh.

nothing seems to make sense anymore.
duck duck duck.
same thing as fuck.
just.
i have a problem with cursing on the computer.
i'm weirddd.

if you continue to read my blog, you'll find that out pretty easily.
i just want to write about my life... so i can look back on it later.
yeah.

call me a loser.
call me whatever you wish.
but i'm me.
and you can't judge me.