http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAllCustom&friendId=135705006&swapped=true

you have to understand that i'm a person, and i want to be loved.

living.

living is just one big joke,
because in the end, we're all going to die.

so are you supposed to enjoy life while you can?
why're are there so many unhappy things in life?
so many obstacles?

if our time in existance is so short, why does it have to be so difficult?
why can't we just have something solid to believe in, something to hold on to and pray for, if someone's listening.

i know that we can't all be equal, or on the same playing field.
it makes sense, in a grand-scheme kind of way?
what's the grand-scheme, and why aren't we allowed in on it?

i'm falling to fucking pieces.

unraveling.

if i keep repeating the cycle i'm in,

i'm going to fucking kill myself.

i don't think i'm kidding this time.

i've got this unnerving feeling, and i just can't seem to shake it.

i just want things to be better, to be the way they were.

i want to be happy.

i want my heart to remain whole.

after the initial shock wears off:

things get much, much worse.

Ryan won't talk to me.
My mother won't leave me alone.

She keeps jumping down my throat about the fact that Ryan won't talk to me.
It's not my fault.

And there's nothing I can do.
If he doesn't want to talk to me then he's not going to talk to me.

He told me that the Retreat got him into the habit of not texting.
Bull.

I know that he changed over the Retreat.
I knew he would.
I knew he would.

I just want to know the point when he stopped caring.

give up.

i'm beginning to wonder if i was ever really happy.
i cannot say i am now.
i thought things were getting better for me.
but i was so wrong.

i fucking hate everything.
i can't depend on anyone.
at all.
ever.

GIVE UP.

i've been using a new blog.
mobile style.
thenameisjim.blogspot.com

"Some things I'll never know..."

I don't understand how some people just... don't care about certain things. Things that you always thought meant so insanely much to them and stuff that meant just as much to you. You talk to them about it and they say they'll change and feed you fucking bullshit and lead you into something and then completely go against it. How do people just suddenly stop caring about something? I don't know about those people, but I can't just let something go. I guess sometimes that's a bad thing but especially strong feelings about something; I don't just let that shit go. I can't help but think about it. Even more so if it's a person they stop caring about. How does that happen? It's not like you can erase them from the face of the Earth; They're always going to exist somehow in your life. How can you just block that shit out? It's beyond me. Either you have to be insanely emotionally numb or just hide your emotions really really really well. Either way, how do you block out how that other person feels? People were meant to exist with one another, so how do you just block them out? You can't just live off yourself you have to communicate to... live.I guess I just feel like I'm wasting my time with some people who don't even seem to care about me. I mean, I'm not an outgoing person and I don't usually make plans with other people; I'm extremely introverted but I care about certain people a lot and I'm really tired of giving for nothing.

we all want things we can't have.
especially me.

i can't believe it.

i can't believe it.

i'm in love with ryan.
i'm a constant twitter-er.
i made my own blog layout.
i got my hair cut really short.
i have things to look forward to.
i've found new art, and new music.
things, are good.